Five Ways to Be a Good Elder in Civic Life

If the bottom up civic renewal we are working toward will take decades to achieve, then those of us of a certain age need to get much better at passing on our batons.

Photo by Josh Ogden

Let me preface this newsletter with an apology for the delay in my fortnightly cadence. I had planned to ship it last Thursday, but given Charlie Kirk’s assassination, I decided to postpone it for a week. I have nothing to say about that abomination that would add to what Utah Governor Spencer Cox shared with his characteristic wisdom, decency, and responsibility. So I have been pointing those seeking to make sense of what happened and what we should do about it to the Governor’s remarks. For my part, I have been praying for Kirk’s widow Erika and their two young children – and deepening my resolve to be a better elder.

One of the best books I have read in recent years is Oliver Burkeman’s 4,000 Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. His first line presents the problem we all must reckon with: “The average human lifespan is absurdly, terrifyingly, insultingly short.” Should I make it to 80 years old (knock on wood!), my allotment will be roughly the 4,000 weeks that Burkeman waves at readers like a red flag in his title.

That I already have burned through three-fourths of this standard quota makes the number all the more sobering. So does the fact that one of my main purposes in life – to help bring about a bottom up civic renewal in the U.S. – will take several decades to achieve. I am thus working towards a goal that, in the best case scenario, will require 500 to 1,000 more weeks than I have left in my mortal coil to see it through.

These are brute facts that neither I nor colleagues in my generation can shy away from. We are running a race that we will not finish. That is the bad news. The good news is that it is a relay race. The people who will cross the finish line, assuming we are ultimately able to get there, are teammates now in their 20s, 30s, and 40s.

Our counterparts in these rising generations are coming up behind us with fresh energy and new ideas. Leaders in these generations will improve upon the efforts we now have underway and determine whether they pay off. They will live in the better world that we are all seeking, should it come about. It thus behooves us to pass our batons to them while we still are in a position to help them run their best race.

As I have workshopped this idea, I have had people who mean well or want to reassure me say that this idea risks a premature bowing out of leaders whose wisdom we need now more than ever. I have three responses to this misgiving. First, helping clear the way for others does not mean a passive retreat. Second, if all our accumulated wisdom truly paid dividends, we would not be in the current mess.

Third, for some historical context, Thomas Jefferson was 33 years old when he drafted the Declaration of Independence. James Madison was 36 at the Constitutional Convention. Alexis de Tocqueville, our inspiration here at The Art of Association, was 29 when he published the first volume of Democracy in America.

I can go on. Jane Addams and Ellen Gates Starr were 29 and 30, respectively, when they founded Hull House. Walter Reuther was 30 when he helped organize the United Auto Workers in the Flint Sit-Down Strike. Martin Luther King was 26 when the Montgomery Improvement Association that he led launched its bus boycott.

You get the picture. Many key breakthroughs in American civic thought and practice have been led by people roughly half my age. The real question, then, is not whether people in my generation or older – born before color TVs came into vogue – should clear a path for our successors, but how we should do so. Let me suggest five ways in which those of us who aspire to be better elders in civic life might proceed.

1) Make a list

Let’s begin by identifying the rising leaders whose progress we want to enable. We should be proactive rather than responsive in this regard. We don’t want to spread our eldership too thin – or spend it haphazardly on a first-come, first-served basis. It may be that the rising leaders with whom we can make the most difference — for them and the world – are the least apt to ask us for help.

We each need to set our own criteria as we compile our lists. In my case, I focus on Millennials and Gen Zers doing path-breaking work in areas I care about. I have already established some sort of a working relationship and / or personal friendship with them. Without these connections, I would not have a feel for their untapped potential, and I would not be drawn to help them realize it. I also look for up-and-comers who have succeeded against the odds and may not have a lot of other people in their corner. These are the people I am in the best position to help.

Let’s not overthink or overdo it. Taking 15-20 minutes to reflect and come up with a shortlist of 3-5 people is a great place to start. We can add to and refine it over time. For elders in their prime, a list with 10 to 20 names is probably a sweet spot. Fewer than that, we may not be doing enough; more than that, we risk overcommitment.

2) Follow, read, listen, and learn

We will want to set an upper limit for our list because doing eldership right takes time, attention, and curiosity — items of which we all have finite quantities. We need to keep up with what those on our list are writing and sharing about their work. We need to listen more than we talk in conversations with them. This will enable us to break out of our sealed silos and well-trod ruts, learn new things, and see the world through the eyes of the future. The new knowledge and vantage points that result will in turn enrich our own remaining work and make it more relevant in the years ahead.

3) Be of service

By staying in sync and keeping up with the leaders on your list, and by understanding from their perspective what they are trying to accomplish and why, we can put ourselves in position to be useful.

Maybe it is connecting them with others they should know and / or who can help them in ways we cannot. Maybe it is lifting up their work so that the world can learn about, appreciate, and benefit from it. Maybe it is serving them as a brainstormer, sounding board, sense maker, listening ear, supportive coach, and / or trouble shooter.

All these “maybes” are meant to underscore that we should ask rather than presume: What would be helpful?

4) Encourage, affirm, and affiliate

This, in my experience, is the biggest need. It is hard to do something new, and it is daunting to press ahead on alternative paths. Leadership is especially lonely when the requisite followership and sought-after progress are yet to be determined.

Noticing and talking about the promise and breakthroughs we are discerning in nextgen leaders’ contributions puts wind in their sails. We can work magic with simple sentences like “I really admire how you are ___________!” and “____________ is a great idea!” – provided we are specific when we fill in the blanks. We can send clear signals by publicly affiliating ourselves with our protégés and what they are up to, so that others can see where our loyalties lie.

By encouraging, affirming, and affiliating in this way, we position ourselves to offer candid guidance and constructive feedback (if and when they ask for it). That is the most precious gift up-and-coming leaders can receive, especially from elders who are already, and so clearly, in their corner.

5) Delight and take hope

Over time, if we take these steps with care, we will see and support others accomplishing things that we know, if we are being honest, exceed our own grasp. We will also realize that in some small way, we may have helped them flourish. There is no feeling quite like that, of delighting in the accomplishments of others.

It is also a hopeful feeling. We may only have a thousand or perhaps just a few hundred weeks left, if that. But think of the list of people in their twenties, thirties, and forties whom we are now helping as elders. As a group, they have tens of thousands of weeks to offer. In time, those whom they support as elders will have hundreds of thousands of weeks to devote to the goals shared by this inter-generational chain, of which we are but one link. Now we are talking!

Coda: good eldership is self-interest, rightly understood.

It may be tempting to see being a good elder as assuming a selfless and honorable stance. But we will be better elders, and stay with it longer, if we understand this quest for what it is: an expression of Tocquevillian self-interest, rightly understood.

In helping others in the ways described above, we are helping ourselves. We are focusing and prioritizing our efforts, learning new things, staying relevant, and enjoying the satisfaction that can only come from being of service to and encouraging others. Most importantly, we are setting ourselves up for delight and hope in a future that stands in dire need of them.